By Sam Reeves

If you haven’t been paying attention or in a coma for some time, you may not have heard that the Chicago Bears made franchise history by firing their head coach, Matt Eberflus, in-season, for the first time in their long history.

Yes, it is crazy that it hasn’t happened before. Especially with some of the coaches the Bears have had in the past. There were a laundry list of reasons to make this change and appoint Thomas Brown as the interim head coach for the remainder of the season. Those have been covered ad nauseam in the past few days.

Not only have the Bears been in the news cycle for who they fired, but now it is all about who will they hire. Names have been flying around from Ben Johnson to Bill Belichick, but nobody is really going into this with critical thinking. The Chicago Bears have never been an organization that goes with a popular choice, or even one that anyone has ever brought up. So I am here to fill you in on some of the outliers that could be manning the sidelines for the Chicago Bears next season. Let’s begin:

The Bears brass told players the next hire will be a “leader of men”. Seems pretty sexist to me. Why not someone who has been a leader of many different people for a few years? Like President of the United States Joe Biden. What’s gonna get more publicity than the leader of the free world figuring out whether or not he should call a timeout in the heat of the moment? Watching that confused face in the cold of winter wondering if the oatmeal in the locker room is ready for him would be something to behold. He’s a born decision maker, so the football stuff should come naturally for him. He also does press conferences like crazy, another box checked off. Also, he’s gonna be out of a job soon and he will need something to do to kill time. He’s a man who likes to stay busy and he will need to keep the money coming in if he wants to keep bailing Hunter out. Joe Biden in a Ditka sweater forever. Bear Down.

We go from the leader of the free world to a leader of a terrible offense and a man on the decline of his career. He has long been a thorn in the side of the Chicago Bears and their fans. He already proclaims to be the owner of the Bears, so give him a shot to show he cares. That’s right, the next name out there is Aaron Rodgers. He would bring all these players to a darkness retreat on ayahuasca so they can remember how to play football. He would also teach them the dangers of their families getting in the way of football, vaccines rotting your brain, and how to avoid COVID toe. Give him the reins to this team and let him redeem all his awful qualities as a person. Stay woke.

The whole “leader of men” thing is gonna be a recurring theme here, because it is going to be vital in this search. Not only can he lead the likes of men, but he can guide them anywhere they need to go. Every athlete needs a life coach, and having them as their head coach just makes it all easier.

The next target for the Bears front office should be lifestyle coach Tony Robbins. Who better than a proven motivator and author of I’m sure a few books? The X’s and O’s of sports mean nothing when you’re in the right state of mind to be a winner. The mind conquers all and Tony Robbins is the key to success. If you haven’t been to an airport hotel to see him speak, I’m sure you’re missing out. It also doesn’t hurt that he’s pretty damn handsome. “The path to success is to take massive, determined action.” – Tony Robbins

Now this team has been a dumpster fire for a few years, so it might need someone who can spiritually reset it. The Bears should look no further than the double soul shaman himself: Will Blunderfield. Now, you may not know Will Blunderfield but he is a fine Canadian gentlemen who runs clinics and workshops about manhood, like showing you what the Spartans used to do to prepare for battle. Whether it’s ball cupping, nipple sucking, or drinking your own urine, he will have you ready for battle. He is the CEO of Manhood Academy. Is there anyone better for this job? He can teach you Sexual Kung Fu as well and I mean if that doesn’t get a football team motivated to be better, what will? Let the double soul shaman go to work and bring this team into the season refreshed and ready to go.

We have found leaders of men, the free world, and one crackpot. Don’t worry I have one more, true, raw, and real leader of men. There will be nobody you will be more proud of than Enrique Tarrio. Who is that you might ask? I’m glad you asked. Enrique is the former leader and chairman of the esteemed social club: The Proud Boys.

Now it will be tough for Enrique to be around the team since he is currently serving a 22-year prison sentence for helping storm the capitol. I’m sure he can work out a pardon from his boy Donny and be on the sidelines in no time. Look, if he can lead young men into battle against a building, he can do anything. He will have the Bears storming the end zone and planting their flags. Stand back and standby for that phone call Enrique.

Now that the candidates have been identified, keep them in the back of your mind. Don’t be surprised if one of these men is challenging a catch to decide if the Bears go 7-10 or 6-9 (nice) next season. The Chicago Bears need to cast a wide net for their head coach search, and I think I provided good reasons as to why. Not only would any of these leaders make the Bears elite, but they would lead them to Super Bowls for the rest of time. Don’t screw this up Ryan Poles and Kevin Warren, think inside the box for once.