By Durham Stance

I respect analytics. Wait, actually want to double check something. *googles analytics definition*– OK the definition of analytics is “the method of logical analysis,” and yeah that checks out, I support it. Also, I’m not doing a bit, I actually wanted to google that definition because I had an idea of what the word meant, but I’m also a big moron, so wanted to double check it. The sooner you realize I’m a big moron, the better. Don’t tweet at me or yell at me on the street about how little I know about baseball or really anything at all because I already know I’m dumb, and probably think less of myself than you do. OK, but moving on. It’s because of the fact that I’m a big moron that while I respect the hell out of analytics and what they mean to baseball, and sports in general, I’m not smart enough to always apply those numbers to my reasoning when coming up with sports opinions. That being said, I am of the unfortunate few that watches pretty much every White Sox game, and while that’s the cool thing to say now, it wasn’t nearly as cool say, pre-2019ish. Because of all the White Sox games I watch and related Sox content I consume, I feel like I know at least enough to form average to below average opinions or predictions about how the season will go. With the White Sox opening up the season in Detroit on Friday, I figured I’d share my boldest and biggest prediction with y’all. Hope you enjoy it, or not, I don’t care.

Johnny Cueto is going to save the season:

You read that right. The White Sox rotation, as it currently stands looks like this:

Lucas Giolito (yay legit great and fun, makes me happy!)

Dylan Cease (yay seems ready to take the next step from what was a really good 2021, makes me happy!)

Michael Kopech (yay stay healthy plz! I believe in you, but also innings limit so ugh but overall makes me happy!)

Dallas Keuchel (no thank you! Makes me sad!)

Some combination of Vince Velasquez, Reynaldo Lopez and a host of various bullpen arms (Oh god no, please free me of this burning in my eyes, makes me sad!)

Everyone’s favorite Britney stan and trustworthy righty, Lance Lynn, is going to be out for a while, so the Sox needed to get creative with answering question marks in the rotation.

They answered one of these questions last week when they signed veteran pitcher Johnny Cueto AKA the answer to the question of what happens when you wait till the week before the season to dip your toes into the free agent starting pitching market. It’s a minor league contract, presumably to give him some time to ramp up before joining the rotation, but I have some high hopes for this move. It’s just a hunch, a gut feeling as they say, but I really have a sense that Johnny Cueto is going to be a huge surprise this season. Why do I think this? I don’t know, it’s not based on stats, I’m not going to look at those for the sake of this prediction, because if I did, I might change my mind. Anecdotally, I love Johnny Cueto.

All of his shimmying and veteran craftiness has led to what has seemed like mild later career success. Many seasons have gone by where I’ve thought “I’d love this guy in a White Sox uniform,” and yeah OK so maybe it’s 7ish years later than when I first had that thought, he’s here, and he’s beautiful. I know there’s a photo that pops up every time Johnny Cueto gets mentioned where he’s riding a horse or something-oh wait, yeah this one!

See he’s really just a silly goofy guy. On a pitching staff that has what I would consider an objectively NOT silly goofy guy in Dallas Keuchel, I want more silly goofy guys on the White Sox. That’s my new stat I created just now, sure you’re fWAR, DSR and wRC+ are cool and all, but I want the players on my favorite team to be high in SGGAR (silly goofy guy above replacement).

Beyond his veteran leadership and overall vibe I dig, I genuinely predict a good season out of Cueto. The White Sox front office doesn’t deserve this move to work out, considering they waited until the absolute last second to sign the last possible *decent* free agent starting pitcher on the market, but I think it ends up working out really well. If it doesn’t? Well, we’ll always have the memories. Also, you already know if this turns out to be right, I will absolutely be RTing the shit out of this piece, so brace yourselves, and jump on board the Cueto-Train, there’s plenty of room. 

Anyway, here are some Johnny Cueto thirst traps, for your viewing pleasure.