By: Al Wes
While White Sox announcer Steve Stone was on vacation this week, the White Sox found the second best sports announcer in the game-Gordon Beckham. When Stoney goes away Gordo comes out to say…well, anything and everything.
If you have no idea why Gordo is relevant, the quick recap is: 8th overall pick by the White Sox in the 2008 draft, debuted in 2009, and ended his career in Detroit in 2019. His career slash line was .237/.300/.367. Average at best.
What’s not average? His obsession with loads. During the May 17, 2022 game versus the Royals, Gordo started his stint in the broadcast booth by letting everyone know how he feels about loads. “If you have a big load, you have to stop the load.” To that I ask, what if I don’t want to? Gordo made sure to touch on everyone’s load. Jose Abreu’s load, Johnny Cueto’s load, and *probably* the bat boy’s load, too.
Gordo didn’t seem too interested in Adam Engel’s load, though. Engel came in to pinch run in the first game of the double header on Tuesday, and let’s just say Beckham made it VERY clear he doesn’t like Engel with his pants down. Yes, he was talking about how Engel didn’t have his pants hiked up to show his socks, but you can only imagine where his and Jason Benetti’s minds wandered to as Engel got stranded on base.
Gordo also gave us a peek into his love for nicknames. Ozzie Guillen? The Ozzinator. Dylan Cease? The Conductor. Josh Harrison? J-Hay (he didn’t make this one up, but he’s really pushing for it to stick around). Random White Sox catcher from years ago Tyler Flowers? T-Flow. Lance Lynn? A grizzly bear. Tomorrow I’ll make sure to ask him how I need to introduce myself in meetings.
Now, this is where Gordo started to lose me. I’m not saying he hates his dog, but what I am saying is he doesn’t let her have puppachinos. I think I get more joy watching my dog eat the cup of whipped cream than my dog does, so he’s really just depriving himself. Don’t worry though, his lovely wife Brittany makes sure Josie the pup gets her fill.
And speaking of his wife, did you know Gordo REALLY wants to name his expectant son Trout? Seems only right since Mike Trout named his kid Beckham in Gordo’s honor. If you were hoping Gordo liked older women though, you’re out of luck. He clarified on the evening broadcast that he obviously does not like older women because his wife, Brittany, is younger. Phew, I was really worried.
Now I know you didn’t get enough on the dog discourse and Gordo knew that too. When he spotted Lynn sitting next to Davis Martin after his MLB Debut, he exclaimed “there’s Lynn with our newest young pup.” I might have opted for newest talent or even newest lad, but whatever works for you, Gordo.
He also wanted you to know that, “this guy [Martin] is just sticking his tongue out and tasting himself a little bit.” Licking himself like a dog fits the narrative clearly, so let the guy really get a real taste of what the MLB is like. He did pitch five innings of one run baseball and struck out seven batters. I say he deserves it.
Moving on from dogs and enter forest creatures. Remember the Grizzly Bear? Yeah, Lance Lynn came to visit the broadcast team in the booth during the second inning, and I learned a lot. Gordo may have been the 8th overall pick in 2008, but Lynn was right behind him as the 39th overall pick. Gordo was quick to mention the home run he got off of Lynn while they played against each other in the SEC in college. The broadcast booth was even quicker to remind Mr. Beckham that he went 0-3 with two SOs against Lynn when they faced each other in the big leagues. Who won that battle? I’ll let you decide.
Long story short, Gordon Beckham, like his MLB career, is an average at best sportscaster. He probably will not think before he speaks and he will tell you exactly what is on his mind. To that I say, bring on the cringe.
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