By Kristina Airdo

The 2022 World Series is officially here, and you know what that means! No, I’m not talking about that janky piece of metal or smashing dingers – I’m talking about America’s REAL pastime: Taco Bell. 

Every year, Taco Bell runs a “steal a base, steal a taco” promotion during the World Series, where America gets a free taco if a player steals a base. Every team since 2017 who stole a base for a free taco went on to win the World Series – so Houston might have a real problem on their hands now that Philly has the taco magic on their side. 

Known for his exceptional speed on the basepaths, Kyle Schwarber put the country on his back and stole second base in the seventh inning of Game 1 to grace us all with a Doritos Locos taco – the nectar of the Gods, some say.

Here at ASS, we feel that there should be more fun like this in sports, and we also feel that, as a country, we deserve some free shit when we’re graced with the more obscure plays and rules that make the games even more entertaining. So naturally, we did a little brainstorming. 

We could think of some fun, legitimate ideas, but at ASS, that’s not what we are about. A taco is fun and tasty, obviously – but what if instead, when a MLB player steals in the World Series, you could go steal one item from the store. It would probably be one of the few positive things that corporations like Walmart have ever done, so really, it’s a win all around!

Let’s keep rolling with the baseball train for a second. Hear me out: Pickles for Pickles. Rundowns aren’t super common in baseball, and they often result in the runner being out, stuck in no man’s land between the bases. If the runner survives the pickle, we get pickles! There are tons of nutritional benefits to pickles, they are elite when fried, and even make a decent companion to whiskey. No pickles for you? That sounds like a personal pickle problem, pal. Try saying that three times fast.

The NFL is already pretty rogue, so why not kick it up a notch? Quarterback gets sacked in the Super Bowl? Ball sacks for everyone! Of footballs — everyone gets sacks of footballs. C’mon, play it cool. Or maybe everyone can get a set of Truck Nuts because that seems like the type of company Roger Goodell would partner with. Sacks galore, imo.

Or perhaps there’s a blocked punt in the fourth quarter? Free Blockbuster rentals for a year. Congrats, everyone.

Alley Oops are a necessity to basketball, but you have to get them just right to really experience the beauty of them. First Alley Oop in the NBA Finals gets you a free frame at the bowling ALLEY. Did you see what we did there?

I could go on all day, but I think I’d eventually die from lack of brain cells. Get your free tacos, everyone, and just hope that ASS is never in charge of the promotions.