By Sean O’Brien, @baby__nashville

For my maiden ASS voyage, I wanted to do something that matched my interests of football, hair, and judging others. What follows is my 100% correct, objective opinion:

_{Author’s note: I’m leaving the Cleveland Browns’ current starting QB off the list because I don’t want to talk about the Nastyman}.

#31: Desmond Ritter

He’s young. He’s new. He’s talented. He doesn’t have a lot of good pictures of his hair online, but there’s potential here.

#30: Taylor Heinicke

Look, he has an awesome nickname, The Green Lizard. He has his team in prime position for a playoff run, he’s preformed admirably given his draft position, so he doesn’t need to do anything interesting with his hair, or so he thought.

#29: Derek Carr

If only the category was eye lashes, he would be the #1 with a bullet. But, here we are. He looks like a scene kid whose parent made him shave off his window bangs. 0/10

#28: Jimmy Garoppolo

Look, Jimmy G is a literal Greek god. But he needs to be taken down a peg or two. Also, his hair is the least interesting thing about his looks. (I’m not jealous, please don’t put it in the paper that I’m jealous.)

#27: Sam Darnold

To quote the Dan LeBatard and Stugotz’s famous “Looks look” game, Sam Darnold looks like a Lego fireman. Its hard to argue with that kind of logic, although I, for one, think he bears a stronger resemblance to the policeman piece.

#26: Matt Ryan

This is the part of the ballgame I like to call mediocre white dude theatre. There’s not much going on here, but he’s won an MVP so he gets some credit.

#25: Matthew Stafford

There was a time when Matthew Stafford would have made at or near the top of this list, but much like his prime, that time is in the past.

#24: Ryan Tannehill

His time with the Titans has been, like his hair … Fine. Nothing flashy, nothing spectacular, but he gives you the chance to win every week. #TitsUp

#23: Michael McCorkle “Mac” Jones

Yes, I just wanted to remind everyone that his full name is McCorkle. He looks like he’s always asking you if you know who his dad is, even in the picture above, which is from his DUI arrest. Do more with your hair and do better in life.

#22: Josh Allen

My old boss told me that there are only two kinds of haircuts in the world: Good boy haircuts and Fuckboi hair cuts. Josh has himself the ultimate Fuckboi cut. Legend

#21: Zach Wilson

Speaking of Fuckboi haircuts: Zach Wilson. If you told me that he was a rich Mormon kid from Utah that is somehow involved in a sex scandal with his mom’s best friend, I would say “Duh.”

#20: Daniel Jones

Look, there are a lot of mediocre white guys on this list. His flow is actually pretty nice though when he leaves it longer. All I’m saying is that he should be used to being ranked in the 20s.

#19: Geno Smith

Geno Smith’s hair is kind of like his career. There are times where his steady, if unremarkable, play can lull you into thinking that he doesn’t have the magic in him, but I think he looks as good as he’s playing this year.

#18: Andy Dalton

THE RED RIFLE! There’s not much to say about this one. Gingers creep me out. He gets extra points for a fantastic beard, but even that can’t save him.

#17: Kirk Cousins

Captain Kirk’s spiritual home is juuuuuuust below average, so this spot is perfect for him. His actual hair leaves something to be desired, but his beard gives him points to keep him from falling further.

#16: Davis Mills

Since entering the NFL, Mr. Mills has shaved his head. BUT look at this picture from the All-American Game his senior year in high school. That is blue chip flow. Five star lettuce. All-American Hair, and that counts for something.

#15: Tua Tagovailoa

Before Tuanon comes after me, I love him like a son. He’s started to cut his hair shorter in Miami, but his signature style at Alabama is very cool. The higher the hair, the closer to God, goes the saying. I think he’s pretty darn close.

#14: Russell Wilson

Broncos Nation-Let’s Ride. He may be the biggest herb in the NFL, he may be somehow the worst QB in the league right now, and he’s definitely the most disliked QB in the league (Non-Nastyman category). But the man has great hair, and a great beard. Not 245 million dollars worth though.

#13: Dak Prescott

I actually like the buzzed look, but I think it might be time to come on home and shave it all off. I believe in you, Dak.

#12: Aaron Rodgers

This is one of, if not the, hardest decision to make. A-Aron has had many styles over his career, the best being his flowing locks and the worst being his … well, current situation, whatever the hell that’s about. I’m choosing to grade his whole career here, thus the high ranking.

#11: Kyler Murray

I don’t have a lot of strong opinions here. Kyler is a sharp looking guy and I think he pulls off his hair well. But mostly when I think about Kyler, I think about how he runs like a toddler who just stole his mother’s phone.

#10: Tom Brady

Another Lifetime Acheivement award. Tom Brady is well known for his hair and looks, which is an earned reputation. I think his best look was his long hair and grown out beard of the late aughts but even in his current state, he looks great. I think he is using hair PEDs though so that keeps him out of the single digits.

#9: Jared Goff

Kirkland Brand Ryan Gosling.

#8: Justin Fields

I’m a little bit biased here but Justin Fields is the greatest and best quarterback to ever walk the face of God’s green earth. And he has great hair. I look forward to seeing him in Navy and Orange for the next 15 years.

#7: Kenny Pickett

Sweet flow, sweet moves. Kenny Pickett is a Pittsburgh legend for many reasons, not the least of which is his hair.

#6: Joe Burrow

Joe Sheisty. Joe Cool. Joe Burrueax. He may be the coolest QB in the league right now. Look at that wave. He has a swagger that I love and the haircut to match.

#5: Patrick Mahomes

Is there nothing that Mahomes is not elite at? Its almost unfair. I’m not sure what else to say except to enjoy every single second we have with him and his cool hair.

#4: Lamar Jackson

Whether he has an Afro or locks or braids, LJ is always the most stylish and interesting QB in the league. I hope the Ravens back the Brinks truck up for him so we can continue seeing him play the game his way well into his 30s.

#3: Justin Herbert

What to even say about Justin Herbert? Cannon arm and wicked flow, he looks right at home in SoCal. Simply the best.

#2: Jalen Hurts

Look how cool he is! I can’t even pretend to understand how it must feel to be as cool and as talented as he is. He’s since chopped his hair off, but he still looks cool as hell.

#1: Trevor Lawrence

Come on, there was no other option for #1. Trevor Lawrence has had the best hair in football since he was a true freshman at Clemson. In fact, his hair is so perfect that it hides what an … interesting bone structure he has.

Thank you for reading my first ever contribution to ASS! Please let me know what you think about my list!