by: Sean O’Brien (@baby__nashville)

As the one and only person that cares about Formula One (F1) Racing in ASS, I took it upon myself to educate the masses on who you should and should not be rooting for this upcoming season, which starts on March 5th at the Bahrain Gran Prix.

Honorable Mention

Toto Wolff: Mercedes AMG Team Principal

Before writing this article, I texted four female F1 fans for input and they all said some variation of, “Toto Wolff is daddy.” I happen to agree. He’s Austrian, but clearly presents himself as a German Bond villain. He’s the only non-driver to make the list, and he deserves it.

OUTSIDE LOOKING IN: Select Reserve Drivers

Daniel Ricciardo: Red Bull Racing Reserve Driver

Danny Ric has had an incredible 11 year career across four different teams. He’s a born and raised Pure American; growing up, his favorite driver was Dale Earnhardt and he chose Dale’s number to reflect that. Danny is the one F1 driver that seems to be cool and fun and I, for one, will always root for the Honey Badger.

Mick Schumacher: Mercedes AMG Reserve Driver

Mick is the son of record seven-time World Driver Champion Michael Schumacher, perhaps tragically known best for being placed in a coma after skiing accident. Mick has stated often he just wants to make his dad proud of him, and while the on-track performance hasn’t matched his father’s prolific output, by all accounts Mick is a kind and gentle kid who everyone seems to love, and I think that his father would be proud of that.

Ok I got legitimately very emotional about that, so let’s bring the mood up a bit. From here on out, everyone will be ranked in tiers about how much I HATE them.

HATE HATE DOUBLE HATE LOATHE ENTIRELY

Max Verstappen: Red Bull Racing

The Wunderkind, two-time World Drivers Champion, breaking record after record of Michael Schumacher. He is the new face of Formula One: Ultra Talented, Ultra Successful. He broke into F1 at 17 and by 22 he already owns the sport. But he SUUUUUCKS as a teammate, often refusing to help his teammates through the most basic of circumstances. He drives like I do in F1, which is not a compliment. He causes crashes often, never apologizes, and just is an all around douche. Fuck this guy. His first title was stolen from Lewis under bonkers circumstances. He’s probably going to win ANOTHER championship next year. Still doesn’t make him a good person.

HATE, but Slightly Less

Lance Stroll: Aston Martin Racing

Lance’s father, Lawrence Stroll, owns a majority stake in Aston Martin Racing and the only reason Lance still has a seat is because his daddy owns the team. If you’re a nepobaby at least be talented please.

Fernando Alonso: Aston Martin Racing

Fernando is a well known asshole who has had on and off track dust-ups with F1 legends across his 20 year career, and openly flaunts his status as the mean old grandfather of F1.

Editor’s Note: This guy looks like the F1 Aaron Rodgers and so I also hate him.

Neutral but Generally Dislike

Oscar Piastri: McLaren Racing

He’s very new to the sport but already had a very public and very embarrassing incident in which he agreed to a contract with Alpine but reneged. Not a great look!

TOO NEW TO KNOW

Logan Sargeant: Williams Racing

He’s brand new to F1, but he’s the first driver to race under the American Flag since 2015, so I’m in, let’s roll.

Nyck de Vries: Scuderia Alpha Tauri

I have genuinely no idea what to say here. He raced very well in an awful car for Williams Racing in one race last year. Let’s see what happens.

True Neutral

Estaban Ocon/Pierre Gasly: Alpine Racing

Both French drivers get to drive for a team based in France which is cool? I don’t have alot to say about Alpine but they should use pink more liberally in their livery; it pops.

Kevin Magnussen/Nico Hulkenburg: Haas Racing

Haas has suffered nothing but failure since joining F1 in 2016, and isn’t it fun to root for the underdog? Both Nico and Kevin have had to take Byzantine routes to return to F1 after they each left the sport for at least a year, so it’s fun to see second chances! Also they hate each other, with Kmag famously telling Nico to “suck my balls.” I cannot wait for this year.

Alex Albon: Williams Racing

I have genuinely nothing to say about Albono, but before the Australian Gran Prix last year, he let some orphans dye his hair and he kept the tradition all year, which is cool.

GENERALLY LIKE

Hey now we’re in the positive energy portion of the evening.

Zhou Guanyu: Alfa Romeo

He’s very new to the sport but survived the most insane crash the sport has seen in years with gnarly a scratch so I’m rocking with him.

HE WAS FINE AFTER THIS. God safety is amazing.

Yuki Tsunoda: Scuderia AlphaTauri

He is 5’3 and he mostly learned English from mechanics so he swears ALOT. It’s great.

Lando Norris: McLaren Racing

Baby Lando, as Jessica Smetana calls him, is still only 23. He seems to be a good kid, which is good enough for me.

George Russell: Mercedes AMG Racing

THE BEST LAD. He’s 24, he’s 6’1, he’s super consistent, he looks like a fuckboy. What’s not to like?

Charles LeClerc: Scuderia Ferrari

From Monaco, he looks and sounds exactly like someone named Charles LeClerc should. He would be higher but frankly he’s too talented and successful and handsome and he needs to be taken down a peg. I’m only super jealous.

LIKE A WHOLE LOT

Carlos Sainz: Scuderia Ferrari

The Smooth Operator! I’ve never heard a bad thing on or off track about Carlos in his seven years in F1, the consummate professional who sung Sade’s super-hit Smooth Operator on his team radio after the Hungarian Grand Prix in 2020. The coolest.

Sergio “Checo” Perez: Red Bull Racing

Look, who amongst us hasn’t had to work with a talented asshole who gets all the credit? Checo is the man, whose defensive driving has helped his teammate Max to two straight World Championships. Plus, anyone that has to deal with Max deserves all the credit in the world. Have I mentioned that I hate Max?!

Valterri Bottas: Alfa Romeo

There was a time, not long ago, when the man we call Terry Boatass was the ultimate teammate, helping Mercedes win four of their eight consecutive World Constructor’s Championships. He also likes to pose nude in rivers, loves a good cup of coffee, and HAS A MULLET.

THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME IN MY HEART

Lewis Hamilton: Mercedes AMG Racing

Seven-time World Drivers Champion, eight-time World Team Champion. He’s cool as hell. He was supposed to be in TOPGUN: Maverick. He is the only Black F1 driver ever, and has used his considerable wealth and clout to advocate for social causes near and dear to him, from pushing F1 on to be more diverse to wearing rainbow clothes and helmets in countries with awful track records of LGBTQ+ abuses. He is the coolest. He is the best. He is what a true champion is. Plus, he heavily implied last year that he has a dick piercing, which is awesome. I hope he’s around forever.

Thank you for reading my ramblings, if you want to learn more about F1, watch Drive To Survive on Netflix.