By: Big Daddy Jamba @JaquilleOneal04

Recently, the University of Illinois fan section the “Orange Krush” put themselves into a bit of a predicament.  After the University of Iowa refunded their tickets ahead of their planned trip to the Hawkeyes’ stadium, it came out that they had originally purchased the tickets under the name of The Boys and Girls Club.  Now, while most people might take issue with using a charity as a guise to purchase basketball tickets, my problem is more that they didn’t commit to the bit enough.   Listed below are a number of charities the Orange Krush should’ve used and how they could’ve pulled off their covert operation.

The Make-a-Wish Foundation

The Make-a-Wish foundation is well known at this point, and the University of Iowa would likely look bad if they attempted to question the purchase.  However, if they did, each individual member of the Orange Krush could have simply said that it was someone else’s wish.  If each person had a different name to say, they could have created a “wish loop” making it impossible for the University of Iowa to ever truly figure out whose wish it was.

ASPCA

In order to pull off this maneuver, the Orange Krush would have needed to cancel at least three ticket holders, and instead hire furries to take those seats.  When questioned, the Krush could simply say that they were dogs so in love with the game of basketball that they gained the ability to speak and walk on two legs while at the game.  The furries would have the added benefit of only needing to be three years old to purchase alcohol due to the dog years to human years conversion rate.

American Red Cross

A slightly easier operation than the previous two, this would simply require every single person who received a ticket to claim that they’d been told that the hospital waiting room was located in the seats of Carver-Hawkeye Arena.  If pressed on the medical conditions they were being treated for, each participant could simply say “uhh…………” followed by “it’s bad” and the University of Iowa officials would feel too rude to question it.

Doctors Without Borders

Of all of the solutions I’ve offered, this is definitely the most complex.  First of all, the Orange Krush would need to secure fake medical ID’s for every single ticket-buyer, and have unique medical titles for each person so that the University of Iowa would not become suspicious.  Then, upon being questioned as to why Doctors Without Borders wanted basketball tickets, they could have said that they wanted to ensure there were no borders around the University of Iowa.  They could also explain that they needed to be there in case of medical situations involving the players, and that sports simply cannot be played safely without the presence of 200 licensed professionals in the stands.

World Wildlife Fund

 Lastly, this is the simplest of all possible maneuvers.  The members of the Orange Krush could have said that they heard about an endangered species called Hawkeyes and wanted to make sure their natural habitat of Carver-Hawkeye Arena was in good living condition for Hawkeyes.  This disguise would be enhanced by the Orange Krush bringing live wolves into the arena, which they could then claim eat many of the Hawkeyes’ predators and would thus make it a safer environment for them to raise Hawkeye babies in.