By: @Chi_Rox_

CHICAGO – The Chicago White Sox are expected to announce former second basemen and current ASSistant General Manager Chris Getz as the new Head of Baseball Operations today.

While this doesn’t come as a surprise for most, this move is still peak White Sox/Jerry Reinsdorf.

Here at ASS, we know a thing or two about what it takes to run a successful business, so we dove into our picks for Head of Baseball Ops instead of Getz.

Theo Epstein

Right off the bat, it’s important for the readers to know we mean business. The Sox won their last World Series in ’05 but really, it feels like an eternity ago. And who better to end eternity-long droughts than Theo Epstein?

After helping the Cubs to their first title in over 100 years, it’s only fair that he come to the other side of town and help the Sox out. The fans would get a World Series title to celebrate and Theo would then be able to get free drinks at any bar in the city, not just on the northside. Sounds like a win-win to us.

Jack McCoy

Now that the boring pick is out of the way, it’s time to get to the good stuff. We’re getting swanky and going with Jack McCoy. Yes, that Jack McCoy, from Law and Order.

We went with this pick because Jack would bring some Law and Order to this ballclub, which is desperately needed. McCoy’s father was a member of CPD for over 30 years so he is familiar with the city and the politics that go into big decisions. A man dubbed as being “the top of the legal food chain,” Jack McCoy doesn’t fuck around, and we truthfully need someone who isn’t afraid to get their hands dirty and call out what is needed. In Jack we trust.

Howard Ankin

Chicago’s finest injury lawyer Howard Ankin is our next choice to lead this ballclub. We get it, you’re thinking “another lawyer?” Well yeah, after the recent shooting news that erupted out of the ballpark last week, the team needs all the legal help they can get.

More importantly, Howard is already on a first name basis with Sox All Star Tim Anderson. Their buddy-buddy status is surely a step in the right direction and considering how often Sox players get injured, having Ankin’s knowledge under his belt is a double whammy of good.

Grimace

Why not? Grimace is Ronald McDonald’s best friend, and that guy knows how to make people happy and slightly uncomfortable at the same time-something that Grimace has no doubt learned and can utilize in the negotiation room.

Grimace’s optimistic demeanor would be a welcomed change from the ‘lying through their teeth’ bullshit that the Hahn/Williams duo provided for many years. It can’t possibly get much worse when you think about it, so Grimace might as well get a shot.

The Sodfather

When you think of the White Sox, you’d be a fool to not think of Roger Bossard aka “The Sodfather.”

Bossard is not only the longest-tenured Sox employee, he is also the longest-tenured groundskeeper in MLB. The Sodfather’s development of the drainage system at Sox Park is currently utilized by nineteen other ballclubs so not only is Bossard a genius, he has a process worth following and copying-something we cannot confidently say about other front office staff.

Bossard’s longevity with the team is something that should be celebrated, and what better way to do so than a big ASS pay raise? Sodfather forever.

We hope you agree with our choices but if not, let us know who you would go with! We’re never wrong about anything but we always love the fan engagement. Thanks for reading!