By: Big Daddy Jamba (@jaquilleoneal04)

CHICAGO – Week one of the 2023 NFL season is complete, and it seems that the 2023 Chicago Bears are essentially the 2022 Chicago Bears, but this time with more imminent disappointment.

On the bright side, the NFL scriptwriters are still hard at work ensuring an entertaining season for all fans, regardless of the quality of their team. With that in mind, here are a couple predictions for what you can expect this season in each of the remaining Bears games.

Week 2: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

• Baker Mayfield concusses himself head butting his teammate who is wearing a helmet.
• The announcers discuss what Tom Brady is doing roughly 47 times during the first half.
• Random gratuitous camera shots of Bruce Arians.

Week 3: Kansas City Chiefs

• The announcers say the phrase, “only Mahomes” 213 times.
• Chiefs give up a lead at halftime; Bears flop in the second half to give Chiefs the win.
• Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up before the game, by halftime she has six songs about him and four of them are Billboard Top 100 hits.
• Random story about Donna Kelce or the Kelces’ podcast told 34 times by the announcers.

Week 4: Denver Broncos

• Kevin James replaces Sean Payton on the sideline and no one notices until the third quarter.
• Sean Payton gets caught setting bounties for opposing defenses to injure Russell Wilson.
• Bears and Broncos fans get into 17 different fights in the parking lot over whose team is harder to watch.

Week 5: Washington Commanders

• In an attempt to distract the defense, Washington changes their name a third and fourth time during this game.
• Dan Snyder plants a spear in the center of the field while blackout drunk in order to, according to him, reclaim his “divine right” to the Washington Football Team.
• Half of the stadium completely collapses, but on the bright side everyone gets to spend less time at FedEx Field.

Week 6: Minnesota Vikings

• Kirk Cousins attempts to start the game shirtless, gets fined $50,000.
• Kirk Cousins invents a new Touchdown Dance, the Shiddy, in which he shits himself on purpose at the 50-yard line after every touchdown, insisting that he’s as cool as Justin Jefferson now. At least six adults in Minneapolis imitate the move during the game.
• Dalvin Cook returns to the stadium and bangs on the door weeping after playing five games with Zach Wilson at quarterback.

Week 7: Las Vegas

• Josh McDaniels gets caught calling Bill Belichick begging for his job back when he realizes that, despite the amount of time that has passed, he is still not a very good NFL head coach.
• The Raiders get fined $50,000 when the DJ for the club behind one of their end zones plays Le’Veon Bell’s entire rap album during halftime.
• Mark Davis shows up with a mullet but swears that it’s real and he’s definitely not wearing a toupee.

Week 8: Los Angeles Chargers

• Chargers go into halftime winning 55-0, somehow lose the game 56-55 after giving up seven consecutive TDs and two point conversions.
• Brandon Staley goes for fourth and 47 on his own one-yard-line with ten minutes left in the first quarter.
• Khalil Mack forgets which team he’s on, rushes to the sideline. and sacks Justin Herbert.

Week 9: New Orleans Saints

• During the game, the NFL attempts to tell the Saints that the salary cap is indeed a real thing.  The Saints spend $75 million on over-the-hill players just to see what will happen.
• The Saints use a voodoo priestess ceremony before the game to revive Derek Carr’s career.
• Sean Payton shows up at the Saints stadium at halftime begging for his job back after seeing that Broncos Country is, in fact, not riding.

Week 10: Carolina Panthers

• Adam Thielen, who has not gone for more than 40 yards in a game all season, has 250 yards for no reason at all.
• The Bear and Panther mascots revert to their natural instincts and claw each other to death on the sideline.
• DJ Moore spends the entire game staring wistfully at the field while images of Sam Darnold throws flash in his memory like war flashbacks.

Week 11: Detroit Lions

• Jared Goff solidifies himself as the greatest quarterback of all time after throwing for 800 yards and 12 touchdowns for the sixth game in a row.
• David Montgomery has 14 yards on 27 carries, Jahmyr Gibbs has 54 yards on three carries.
• It comes out that Virginia Halas McCaskey and Martha Ford are competing to see who can get the presidential suite and the finest retirement home in America. 

Week 12: Minnesota Vikings

• Justin Jefferson screams at Kirk Cousins on the sidelines after being overthrown for the 3,462^nd time this season.
• Enough birds crash into the glass of the Vikings’ stadium that it collapses for a second time.
• T.J. Hockenson decides he wants to collect NFC North teams like infinity stones and switches sides at halftime.

Week 13: Bye

• Matt Nagy shows up outside of the stadium with a wooden sign that says, “I told you so.”
• The Bears release Chase Claypool, who immediately goes on a podcast and claims he’s a top three wide receiver in the league.
• Ryan Poles calls the entire roster of the ’85 Bears to see who is available, explains to reporters, “It’s worth a shot.”

Week 14: Detroit Lions

• The Lions complete their season sweep of the Chicago Bears.
• A Chicago Bears fan annoys Dan Campbell and he actually eats his kneecap as revenge.
• Equinimeous St. Brown changes his name to Eric after getting sick of hearing his name pronounced wrong by Midwesterners.

Week 15: Cleveland Browns

• The Bears intercept Deshaun Watson 14 times in the final game of his NFL career.
• The Browns’ elf logo comes to life and starts attacking fans.
• One final Progressive Insurance “At Home with Baker Mayfield” commercial inadvertently gets aired during an ad break.

Week 16: Arizona Cardinals

• Kyler Murray runs for 347 yards, all behind the line of scrimmage.
• Midgame, a Cardinals beat reporter Tweets that the players have “lost faith” in Jonathan Gannon.
• Caleb Williams decides to stay in college football after watching the Browns secure the second overall pick.

Week 17: Atlanta Falcons

• Kyle Pitts has 307 yards and three touchdowns during the fantasy championship of most leagues, long after all of his managers have been eliminated from championship contention.
• The Falcons fail to clinch the playoffs after giving up 25 unanswered points in the fourth quarter.
• DJ Moore gets shut down by the Falcons as a tribute to all of the games he played against Atlanta for the Panthers.

Week 18: Green Bay Packers

• The NFL attempts to convince us that this rivalry has any meaning for people who are alive currently.
• The entire state of Wisconsin enters an alcohol-induced rage after being up by only three at halftime; the vomiting that follows shuts down the entire state’s sewage system.
• News comes out midgame that Aaron Rodgers attempted to heal his Achilles by drinking Hudson River water as part of a “holistic health regimen.”