Sept. 20, 2023, 5:22 pm CST

By: Celeste Spaghetti (@SpaghettiC11)/Liddle Tina (@liddle_ktina)

CHICAGO – Amidst a day of chaos for the Chicago Bears, rumor has it the FBI raided the Bears’ headquarters at Halas Hall in connection with recently-resigned defensive coordinator Alan Williams.

While the rumors have been adamantly denied by the Bears organization, ASS has obtained exclusive access to a list of items recovered by the FBI in the raid:

1. Classified government documents transferred from the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago;
2. Hunter Biden’s laptop;
3. Jimmy Hoffa’s corpse;
4. Hillary’s e-mails;
5. The Ark of the Covenant;
6. Three of my ex-girlfriend’s Bobby pins;
7. Obama’s birth certificate; and
8. Missing art from the Isabella Steward Gardner Museum heist.

This is a developing story.