By: Celeste Spaghetti (@SpaghettiC11)

No hot stove news will come close to the media circus and final announcement of Shohei Ohtani’s decision to sign with the Los Angeles Dodgers.

The 10-year, $700 million deal will clearly be the only thing anyone remembers about this off-season.

But those in the know are still waiting for a big decision from another Japanese superstar – Yoshinobu Yamamoto. Will the three-time Pacific League MVP and Sawamura Award winner join Ohtani in Los Angeles? Will he head to the opposite coast and sign with the Mets?

We at ASS have analyzed the market for starting pitchers and came up with the five most likely spots Yamamoto might sign:

5. Subway

A deal with Subway put stars such as Steph Curry, Jayson Tatum, and Simone Biles on the map. No one knew who any of these sports icons were before they made their way into living rooms across America peddling the New Baja Turkey Avocado sandwich from Subway.

But while this may be a great deal for Yamamoto, is it the right move for Subway? As Reddit user TriHaloDoom notes on r/Subway,

“Although most Subway’s I’ve been to are kind of run down and understaffed. Also one of the last places I’ll go for subs. They seem to be pumping big money into advertising but neglecting the state of the product?”

4. FaZe Clan

Why chance ruining his pitching arm when he can make over a million bucks sitting in a chair pressing buttons every year? No one has ever needed Tommy John surgery from playing Fortnite.

3. The U.S. Army

Beloved gateway to Cibola Mount Rushmore is currently under attack from the forces that may be. Rumors say that missing pages from John Wilkes Booth’s diary indicate co-conspirators in the Abraham Lincoln assassination, and the gold located at Cibola holds the key to finding treasure and clearing names.

Yamamoto is not just an amazing pitcher, but also a three-time Pacific League Golden Glove winner. Mount Rushmore needs a fierce defender like Yamamoto to ensure the buried treasure does not fall into the wrong hands.

2. Def Jam Records

While the rumors of Shohei Ohtani seen in Toronto turned out to be false, sources have presented ASS with incontrovertible photo evidence that Yamamoto was seen in Manhattan near the Def Jam Record label’s head quarters with CEO Rick Rubin. Who knew the pitcher was actually a two-way star?

1. 2024 Toyotathon

It is said that Toyota is looking for a new spokesperson for their annual Toyotathon.

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