By: Celeste Spaghetti & Stoop Kid (@SpaghettiC11/@stoopkiid93)

The Chicago Bulls are 6-3 and playing notably better basketball since a mysterious foot injury sidelined superstar Zach LaVine.

However, when asked whether the team is playing better because of his absence, his teammates have given a resounding “no”.

So what was the catalyst that sparked this recent hot stretch by the team? ASS has obtained some exclusive quotes from notable Bulls to provide insight:

“Getting the news on November 29 that Henry Kissinger finally died really pumped up our locker room. We felt the Earth take a collective sigh of relief and we’ve been running with that energy ever since,” said point guard Coby White, who has played himself into the conversation for Most Improved Player during this stretch.

Center Nikola Vučević went into more detail when asked if Kissinger’s death was really as impactful as believed: “We were all pretty bummed when Zach [LaVine] left the game, but then we heard that this subhuman husk of a war criminal had left this mortal coil and slipped the surly bonds of Earth. That really got us fired up. I mean, the guy was responsible for what, 3-4 million deaths?”

“Oh hell yeah. Fuck that guy,” said Demar DeRozan when asked if he and his teammates were smoking on that Kissinger pack.

“I’m bald because of Henry Kissinger,” said Alex Caruso.

“Henry Kissinger was a great man and will be dearly missed,” said team owner Jerry Reinsdorf.