By Sam Reeves

2023 is gone. 2024 is here. One Chicago team made the playoffs in 2023, and only kind of. I am here to tell you 2024 probably won’t be much better.

The outlook for Chicago sports is, in a word, bleak. It’s like a shopping cart with all squeaky wheels and the handle covered in tetanus. Heh anus.

Look, I know it’s easy to pick on these teams because it is what we are used to, for the most part. The Bulls had the 1990s and the D Rose years. The Bears had ’85, ’06, ’10, and a sliver of hope in 2018. The Blackhawks had the three-cup run. The Cubs had sustained playoff success and the 2016 World Series. The White Sox had their 2005 World Series, the blackout game 2008, and a Leury García playoff HR in 2021. So…is there any hope?

Let’s start with the Chicago Blackhawks. Condor Bedhard (trademark pending) is having a nice rookie season. Outside of that, uh, yeah nothing else going on there. They are giving up about 29 goals per game via hockeypuck.com, which doesn’t sound very good.

Looking at all the statistics that I am totally looking at and would never lie about, they are scoring about two goals per game. So if they are only scoring two and giving up 29 each game, I’d have to imagine they aren’t doing that well. Is there hope for 2024? Probably. Condor Bedhard can attract some names to come to the city and try to turn it around, but that didn’t really seem to keep Corey Perry from embarrassing himself and wild rumors to spread. The Chicago Blackhawks 2024 outlook: poo poo.

The Chicago Cubs had a decent 2023, just missing the NL Playoffs. Cody Bellinger returned to form, they signed Dansby Swanson and had a Cy Young candidate in Justin Steele. That’s pretty neat for them. However, so far in this offseason, they have yet to make any move to improve their team. Other than hiring Craig Counsell as their new manager.

Cody Bellinger is a free agent now, so they will either need to re-sign him or figure out how to replace him. The Ricketts family were reportedly “in” on spending money to get Shohei Ohtani before they definitely weren’t. Cubs fans have been clamoring for anything this offseason and being shut out entirely by the Cubs front office. Good news for Cubs fans: you are getting a Cubs Convention in 2024 to yell and scream all you want. Lucky. The Chicago Cubs 2024 outlook: pee pee.

The Chicago White Sox are the sweaty, unwashed taint of the Chicago sports landscape. Absolutely something to avoid watching at all costs, unless you are dead inside. 2023 was a beautiful symphony of everything gone wrong. It was so bad that the Chicago White Sox actually fired front-office personnel IN SEASON. Never in a million years did we see that coming.

Luis Robert, Jr.’s incredible season was the highlight for the White Sox. Then it all crashed and burned when their “extensive” search landed them an inside hire in Chris Getz. This off-season has already been mediocre, and expect it to only be more disappointing. Oh yeah and Jerry Reinsdorf still owns the team and is immortal. The Chicago White Sox 2024 outlook: pee pee poo poo poo poo pee pee poo poo.

At the time of this writing, the Chicago Bulls are getting spanked by the Philadelphia 76ers. They are still waiting for Zach Lavine to return, to more than likely trade him at the NBA deadline. Who knows what they’ll do with DeMar DeRozan, Alex Caruso, or Andre Drummond at the deadline as well. The Bulls are a middling team trying to act like they are meant to compete. Which gets you absolutely nowhere in the NBA these days. Coby White finally figured out how to play basketball at an NBA level, which is fun. The rest of the roster is kind of just patched together with no direction from the front office. Like just think about how cool it is to have no direction and still be held in a decent regard in your city. They have it made. The 2024 Chicago Bulls outlook: poo poo.

Finally, we get to the most polarizing of the Chicago teams at this moment in time: the Chicago Bears. The #1 draft pick for the second season in a row, Justin Fields proving he is a QB1, and DJ Moore is having a career year. TJ Edwards is a good signing, Tyrique Stevenson is having a heck of a rookie year, and Jaylon Johnson showing out late in the season. It hasn’t been all pretty, but the last few weeks have been fun. The offense still stalls quite a bit, the defense plays pretty soft coverage with late leads, and well, the coaching is suspect, to say the least. Especially with Matt Eberflus looking like he’s always up to no good.

However, the Chicago Bears made it all the way to week 17 before being eliminated from playoff contention. With the smallest of margins to make it into the playoffs, to be fair. Ryan Poles has a lot of evaluating to do between now and April to see how he wants to set up his team’s future. If I’m him, I go on a nice beach vacation and soak it all in. It’s a pretty good spot to be in as a GM. In theory, this could all crash and burn, but why think that way?

This off-season can definitely set the Chicago Bears on a course to sustained success or continual tanking and hiring another front office in three years. It’s gonna be fun to watch the discourse either way. The 2024 Chicago Bears outlook: pee pee.

If you read this far, congratulations you’ve won my respect. If you have thoughts about any of these team’s 2024 outlooks, feel free to use the poo poo/pee pee scale however you’d like. I am an expert in nothing and am just here to vibe. Don’t forget to check out the other blogs on the site while you’re here!