From Lawful Good to Chaotic Horny, ASS categorizes all 27 MLB Mascots

By: Celeste

Everyone is familiar with the classic alignment chart which ranks components of various categories from Lawful Good to Chaotic Evil. If you’re not familiar, you’re stupid, but below is the chart for reference.

While watching the chaotic pierogy race at PNC Park last weekend, a few of us ASS members thought it would be a fun idea to align all 27 MLB Mascots* based on their vibes. But of course, we don’t do anything the conventional way. So for this exercise, we are using this handy dandy chart someone from Reddit.com made:

*The Yankees, Dodgers, and Angels do not have mascots, because of course they don’t.

Rosie Red: She’s your Becky-Next-Door, All-American girl that bakes you pie and the friend at school that teaches you how to use a tampon and has never drunkenly smoked a cigarette. She’s as lawfully good as it gets.

Mariner Moose: Those are the eyes of a Goober, Bella.

Stomper & Pirate Parrot: They seem nice and like they don’t have any controversial tweets.

Oriole Bird: Literally the “i am chaos” meme personified, but good.

PAWS & Raymond: These mascots don’t get talked about much, but they seem like they pay their traffic tickets on time.

Slider & Screech: Idk they’re kind of just there.

Swinging Friar: So he’s religious but also a swinger? seems chaotic to me.

Bernie: Your typical high-school jock. He shoved Mariner Moose in a locker once.

Orbit & Rangers Captain: Neither have ever voted in an election but if they had to, they would support Ted Cruz.

Baxter: I did not know anything about Baxter before making this chart but MLB.com describes him as “mischievous.” Big Gen X vibes tbh.

Fredbird: is racist.

Slugerrr & Lou Seal: Both of these mascots carry big Himbo energy.

Wally: Wally lives inside the wall of the Green Monster and that seems pretty stupid to me but nothing to judge him for.

T.C. Bear: T.C. Bear doesn’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re,” but he means well.

Blooper: Blooper was the child left behind.

Southpaw & Dinger: Both are party animals, but they only do legal drugs.

Billy the Marlin: Just complete visual chaos.

Phillie Phanatic: The Phillie Phanatic is as chaotic as the city he represents. He invented chaos and has no intentions of stopping any time soon. Do not give him a gun.

Mr. Met: More understated than his wife, but there is definitely a horndog within.

Clark the Cub: This freak doesn’t wear pants.

Mrs. Met: You know she’s down for ANYTHING. Yeah, even *that*.

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