By Sam Reeves

(NSFW) The White Sox aren’t scoring very many runs, and when they do, they seem to not carry over. There is only one explanation: they are edging and practicing run retention. I’m not sure if this is a Tony La Russa principle or if they are just flat-out religious, but retaining runs isn’t the same as retaining semen. See, in order to win a baseball game, you have to at least let out a few runs. However, sometimes you just can’t control yourself and just let it all come out at once. Then, it seems to take days for it to build back up and be able to happen again. Is there a solution to this issue? Let’s see what I can come up with.

The White Sox are averaging 4.31 runs per game this season. Seems fine, right? You’d think your team can score 4 runs and still win a decent amount of games, as long as they pitch well enough to hold their opponent to fewer runs. What is really funny is that in 16 games of the “second half,” the White Sox are averaging only 3.75 runs per game. So they are trending downward as the season is progressing along. The White Sox are 13-13 in blowout games (games decided by 5+ runs, per Baseball Reference). So they are winning by a good margin and losing by a good margin equally. The team is barely staying afloat offensively. Several players have regressed, for whatever reason, and it is hindering their chance at an expanded postseason.

José Abreu is carrying this team on his back for his ninth straight season. Leaning on a 36-year-old first baseman with several lingering injuries is not a recipe for success. The young talent is there, just not helping them stay afloat. Something is very wrong with Yoán Moncada and Yasmani Grandal. Whether mental or physical, they are complete black holes in the White Sox lineup right now. Baseball is funny, though — you really just need two solid weeks, and you’re back on track. The issue appears to be that the White Sox are retaining these runs too much. They are essentially blue balling themselves out of the playoffs. I know it can be fun to build up that feeling, and when you let it go, it feels great. Then that post-nut clarity, or “cumming to your senses” kicks in, and you’re ashamed of what you’ve just done.

The White Sox are not practicing safe edging. They are going to have a clot in their taint that will put them on the IL for the rest of the season. Coincidentally, José Abreu had a nut injury a few years ago, but who is to say it wasn’t from retaining? The fans want the White Sox to score runs in bunches. However, there are several older players who just can’t go like they used to. They need to try HIMS but in baseball form. Not steroids, not a slump buster, but maybe just hanging out in a Dollar Tree parking lot can clear their minds and/or balls.

The issue with Yoán Moncada is that he isn’t retaining, he is just trying too hard, and it’s breaking his brain. He needs to let some of it build up and then make those RBIs happen. Yasmani Grandal, on the other hand, could use some baseball Cialis. He is getting up there in age, and being a catcher only wears your body down more and more. AJ Pollock is starting to hit his mid-baseball career crisis and not retaining as much as he was. It seems to me that Tony and his staff are not letting these guys control their own actions. They are too invested in how the players release, and in turn, cause a backup. It’s time to nut up or shut up for the White Sox. I may be going against my own philosophy here, but, stop retaining and let it fly!