By Sam Reeves

As I am writing this, the White Sox are down 5-0 in the first game of their doubleheader against the Phillies. It is now the bottom of the second inning. Things have been brutal at the start of this 2023 White Sox season. The same mistakes are still being made, the pitching is near the bottom of the league, and the White Sox hitters still have little to no power, discipline, or approach at the plate.

People are already hopping off the patented “ride” that is White Sox baseball. This team is supposed to be contending for the AL Central and are well on their way to another rebuild. The attendance is incredibly low (even on weekend games) because fans have realized that this team is not very different than what they were a year ago.

It is no secret that fans had expectations for a complete turnaround with the (mostly) new coaching staff that was brought in to fix this mess of a roster. So far this has been, uh, not very good. It’s not just one player here or there messing things up. It’s a top to bottom ugly mess. So let us go over who is responsible and what they need to do for this team to turn it around:

First off, we will start with the new manager Pedro Grifol. What a wonderful buzzwordy initial press conference he had. Remember that? Said they were gonna earn your trust and respect with their play, gonna kick your ass every game (starting at 7:10), and be a well-rounded ball club. So far that hasn’t been the case. Grifol has made some questionable decisions on when to play specific personnel, and the bullpen usage has been incredibly sub-par. Pedro Grifol needs to make sure his boys don’t quit and start making better decisions about who should play. Let Jake Diekman ride off into the sunset, Pedro.

Pitching can make or break your entire season in baseball. You need your pitching staff firing on all cylinders so it runs like a well-oiled machine. The White Sox pitching staff is running like my 2015 Hyundai Tucson after the engine exploded on the side of I-94. They flat out stink right now. Who is to blame? Ethan Katz would definitely be a number one target. The question is always “what does a pitching coach do?” The obvious answer is: they coach pitching. So if what Ethan Katz is teaching, isn’t working, why is he still here? Don Cooper isn’t doing anything and these pitchers could use some cutters. Ethan Katz needs to tell his staff to pitch better, and then they will be better.

Hitting a baseball is probably the hardest thing to do at a professional level. Would I know? Absolutely not. I have read it and heard it from people who have done it though. The White Sox fired Frank Menechino after three seasons as their hitting coach. 2020 was fun, 2021 was OK, and 2022 was HORRIFIC. So they brought in a fresh voice for their hitters by hiring Jose Castro. Coming over from the Atlanta Braves organization, Jose Castro was brought in to, I don’t know, tell the team to hit better. Fans were clamoring for Menechino to be gone, got their wish, and the team is STILL NOT HITTING WELL. Coincidence? Probably not. Jose Castro needs to sit down with each hitter, tell them to hit the ball over the fence, and everything will be fixed.

Now I am going to go one by one through each player on the CURRENT 26-man roster. Those on the IL are just going to be labeled: Stop being hurt. That way, they are already stepping it up. I am going to start with the entire pitching staff, one by one, then the position players. So let us start with the “ace” of the staff.

Dylan Cease: lights out stuff. That is literally all he has. His control is worse than me trying to fly a drone. Dylan must be big into fitness with all the walking he tells the batters he faces to do. STOP WALKING PEOPLE AND JUST BE GOOD.

Lance Lynn: only throws fastballs, manly man, and yells a lot. Lance, buddy, throw some other pitches. You aren’t overwhelming guys with 93 middle-middle fastballs. Develop a forkball or something else weird. We want to see more happy yelling than frustrated yelling.

Lucas Giolito: 2018? WORST PITCHER IN BASEBALL. Liberal garbage picker upper and mid-level starter. The guy throws a fastball and a changeup. Cool. A two-pitch starter is uh, not good in this day and age of baseball. Develop your third and fourth pitches and you’ll be more good.

M*ke C*evinger: twitchy idiot, abuser, injury prone, stupid, smells like cigarettes and white rain probably. Just get off the team so it’s one less thing to feel terrible about. Thanks.

Michael Kopech: ponytail, cute, headcase. Kopech needs to work on his command and stop acting like pitching in the major leagues is like being married. He can actually handle pitching, I think. Also, stop sweating so much.

Tanner Banks: left-handed pitcher, creepy mustache. Tanner Banks is up with the big club because, well, they are trying to figure out who doesn’t suck. Tanner just needs to be serviceable and he’ll help turn the team around.

Aaron Bummer: walks the first batter, “unlucky,” used to be good, I think. Aaron Bummer having the last name Bummer will never not be funny. Especially when you can bet he’ll walk the first batter he faces about 98% of the time. Bummer needs to not walk the first batter, and try being good to help turn this season around.

Jake Diekman: ginger, bad pitcher, may have dirt on Pedro Grifol. Jake Diekman is overused which is stupid considering he’s not very good. He was Rick Hahn’s deadline present to Sox fans in 2022. It’s like getting socks as a kid for your wintertime religious holiday. Diekman needs to be designated for assignment if they want to turn this season around.

Kendall Graveman: can only pitch once every two weeks, anti-vax guy, not sure what his role is anymore. Graveman was brought in to be the “8th inning guy” before Liam Hendriks last year. Now they don’t know how to use him. They won’t let him close games, and he’s been shaky in every appearance. Graveman will need to figure out if he wants to be an everyday mop-up guy or an elite backend reliever to turn this season around.

Jimmy Lambert: good guy, not sure where he is, random usage. I feel bad for Jimmy Lambert. He has been thrown in to get one or two outs and then not to be seen again for a few days. He is being mismanaged and it’s hurting his season. Lambert needs to tell the coaching staff how to use him to turn this season around.

Reynaldo Lopez: ReyLo, LASIK extraordinaire, high-leverage reliever. Reynaldo is a failed starter turned great reliever. A true feel-good story that people rooted for. He is currently filling in for Liam Hendriks while Liam goes through his battle with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. ReyLo has filled in nicely so far, but needs to be facing the top hitters in late-game situations more consistently to turn this season around.

Keynan Middleton: Steve’s Guy, can’t get his first name spelled correctly, seems fun. Middleton was brought in to replace Jose Ruiz, kind of. He is a pitcher who can eat innings, but the funny part was that he was doing it well when he got to Chicago. I don’t think anyone saw that coming. Middleton will have to be ready every day to shut down the middle or bottom of an order to turn this season around.

Gregory Santos: fill-in and just happy to be here. Gregory Santos is another inning-eating reliever. If he can stay healthy and give innings to rest the bullpen, that will turn this season around.

Now that we have covered all the pitchers on this team, let’s get to the position players.

Yasmani Grandal: bat drop legend, walk merchant, can frame you for murder, runs like he is stuck in cement. Yasmani Grandal has high expectations due to how he’s been hyped up. His power has gone away, his health declined, and he’s not walking anymore. This year seems to have re-invigorated him a little bit, especially defensively. Grandal will need to hit about 38 home runs to help turn this season around.

Seby Zavala: backup catcher, the greatest hitter of all time, murderer of O’Neill Cruz’s ankle. Seby is a solid backup to have, doesn’t try to do too much, and can help somewhat offensively. Seby needs to provide decent defense and hit about 12 home runs to help turn this season around.

Elvis Andrus: good vibes guy, average player. Elvis Andrus was signed to play 2B during the off-season. He is now playing shortstop with Tim Anderson on the injured list. He has had an incredibly slow start with the glove and bat. Elvis needs to be serviceable on defense and get on base to turn this season around.

Jake Burger: home run masher, new dad strength, horrible fielder. Jake Burger is the only White Sox player who apparently can hit a home run. That’s about all he can do. His exit velocities are incredible but he has no place in the field. He is currently playing 3B due to Moncada being out. It is not going very well, as expected. Watching Jake Burger play 3B is like watching a stoner comedy: it’s dumb and it makes you laugh. Burger needs to stop being bad at fielding and learn to hit right-handed pitching to turn this season around.

Romy Gonzalez: Leury Garcia cosplay, not sure how he got here either, good at sitting on the bench. Romy Gonzalez made the Opening Day roster, even after an AWFUL spring training performance. They like putting him in a bunch of random positions, much like Leury Garcia (RIP) for way too long. The question though: why is he here if he isn’t going to play? Romy needs to find Michelle, come up with a new invention, and that will help turn this season around.

Gavin Sheets: LF/RF? DH? Can’t hit anywhere besides Camden Yards and Guaranteed Rate Field. Gavin Sheets was a surprise to many when he started hitting bombs. Since then he has been seen playing outfield “defense” and swinging at breaking balls at his feet. He is a backup 1B/RF/LF/DH who is slowly dwindling down the depth chart. He will need to rediscover Gavin “Bonds” to help turn this season around.

Lenyn Sosa: our comrade, the potential merchant, should probably stick around. Lenyn Sosa has been mishandled (shocking) in his development. Small stints in the majors won’t help a guy who should be your everyday 2B from this day forward. Sosa has the potential to be something great, or so we can only hope. Sosa will need to hit 17 home runs and play good defense to turn this season around.

Andrew Vaughn: my personal hero, the greatest first baseman the world will ever see, easily memed. Andrew Vaughn is finally playing first base after two seasons of having to play in the outfield and doing it incredibly poorly. He is a 6″4″ first baseman with unlimited power, as seen by his zero home runs so far this season. He is almost as slow as Grandal and has as much pop as Benintendi right now. It has been a slow start but he is still driving in runs which is neat. Vaughn needs to hit 58 home runs and win a gold glove to turn this season around.

Andrew Benintendi: biggest single contract in White Sox history, slap dick mother fucker, noodle arm. Andrew Benintendi was brought in for his defense, to draw walks, and be a contact specialist. He was batting third in the lineup for WAY TOO LONG. He still should be hitting eighth or ninth because he brings nothing to the lineup. His defense is poo poo but you’re not allowed to say that because someone will argue with you. Benintendi needs to play like a good player to turn this season around.

Oscar Colas: young talent, Instagram liker, folk hero. Colas is doing exactly what he should be expected to do. Learn. He is playing some decent defense in right field and seems poised at the plate. A rookie is allotted more time to get acclimated so I don’t have much to harp on…yet. Colas needs to get on base at a .750 clip, win a gold glove in RF, and hit 83 home runs to help turn this season around.

Adam Haseley: Danny Mendick’s killer, spring training hero, depth to the depth. Adam Haseley was called up due to some injuries and has yet to play. He will probably play in the second game of the doubleheader. I don’t think he will bring much to the team, and hopefully doesn’t murder anyone else while he is here. Haseley will need to not kill anyone, give outfield relief, and maybe hit three home runs to help turn this season around.

Eloy Jimenez: six million dollar man, needs bubble wrap, always smiley. Eloy has been injured again-SHOCKING. He can’t play the outfield without dying and can’t even run to first without dying. His power is zapped, he’s striking out like crazy, and he doesn’t appear to be having fun. Eloy needs to get a little more silly, hit 69 home runs, and stay healthy for at least 115 games to help turn this season around.

Luis Robert: next Mike Trout, La Pantera, Domino’s Enthusiast. Luis Robert is an incredible baseball player, most of the time. He goes through his swinging at everything phases, then snaps back into best player alive phases. The issue is consistency in the batter’s box. His fielding is next level, making every fly ball seem effortless. Health is another concern, which is getting tiresome. Luis needs to be a 40/40 player, gold glover, and MVP to help turn this season around.

Alright, I have covered the entire team and some coaches that need to turn this thing around. Will it happen? I don’t know. Does a bear shit in the woods? Is that bear on cocaine? Rick Hahn built a shitty team, Jerry Reinsdorf doesn’t care, and Kenny Williams is never around ever since Manny Machado killed him with shock. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of the 2023 White Sox season as much as I will. Thank you for reading all of this, if you did. If not, pee pee poo poo for the rest of your life and I hate you.